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Finally!  A New Euphemism!

We’ve had a lively potpourri of sex scandals recently, but none can match the transformative power of the Mark Sanford affair.  Finally, we have a new euphemism for extramarital relations and an artful one at that: “hiking the Appalachian trail.”  For those of you doubting the coolness of this new entry into the American erotic-political vernacular, I offer the following sample conversation between two political insiders.

POLITICAL INSIDER #1: “Have you heard anything from Senator Smith?”

POLITICAL INSIDER #2: “The senator? Not much. But rumor has it, he’s been hiking that old Appalachian trial lately.”

POLITICAL INSIDER #1:  “Well, I’ll be damned!”

POLITICAL INSIDER #2: (snicker)

POLITICAL INSIDER #1: (snicker)

See!  Try it for yourself, and you’ll see how much fun it is.

As Edwards, McGreevey, and Clinton go, so goes dear old John Ensign (R-NV).  The Senator who once worked himself up into a froth of self righteousness over President Clinton’s misconduct recently admitted to a 10-month-old affair with a married former campaign staffer, 46-year-old Cynthia Hampton.  Ah, irony!  As my novel (see Amazon link to the right) revolves around the (fake) extramarital affair of a prominent politician, I am all too happy to tackle this delicious topic once again.  Our question of the day: why is it always with a staffer?

Reason #1: Politicians usually don’t hire ugly people
Politicians are image conscious creatures.  So are the people who work for them.  They have to be.  And that is why they will usually hire an attractive person over an equally-qualified unattractive person if given that choice.  I have no proof to back this theory up, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Reason #2: Geography
The first key to having sex is getting a sympathetic person in the same room as you.  For a politician, staffers fulfill this geographic qualification quite nicely — often more effectively than their spouse.

Reason #3: Mixed Signals
Remember the first time you realized that someone had a crush on you?  Your initial reaction may have been something like this: “No wonder they’ve been acting so nice to me!”  Well, guess what?  When you’re the boss, everyone acts nice to you. It’s easy to see how this “niceness” can be misinterpreted as romantic interest.  Incidentally, this can work both ways.  Put yourself inside the brain of a political staffer.  When your entire life revolves around your boss, when your boss’s happiness is your primary concern, when a phone call from your boss is the most important part of your day, more important than the call from your actual spouse, it is easy to imagine how your romantic/platonic wires might get crossed.

Last night every pundit in America engaged in a contest of eloquence to see who could best express their awe at the significance of Barack Obama’s election.  I’ll spare you my attempt at grand prose and say simply that I’ve experienced a weightless feeling in the last 24 hours, a sense of relief and release that has been too long in the coming. I believe if Barack can stick around for the next 4-8 years, we could have one of the great presidents on our hands.

The one sad note on an otherwise happy day comes from the ballot measure bigotry that has found success in several states across the country.  The passage of Prop 8 in California is a disgrace.  But this battle will continue.  I rest easier knowing that we will soon have a president who can stock the Supreme Court with enlightened justices — the sort who may one day cast the decisive vote in favor of allowing equal access to institutionalized love.  Until then . . .